Yes, the rest of us have plates to fill....you dear have cake tiers

Friends truly are life's mirrors. On a day like today when I wonder just how many more rabbits I can pull out of my hat before someone will see through the smoke and mirrors, my good friends are on the scene to shine a more accurate light on the situation.

I am so many things to so many people and yet I am oblivious to all that I do. If I sat down and made a list of the things I had to do in the course of just one week, it would most likely make the run of the mill person feel tired just reading it (I am not saying this to toot my horn, I am saying this because it was said to me.)

I have such high standards set for myself that when I am "average" or "normal" I feel like I am being a let down to those around me. Exactly when I stopped feeling that it was okay to need help, to not be ON 100% of the time was okay and acceptable and NEEDED, is beyond me. Did I set myself up to be this way? Did I learn this growing up? I don't know. What I do know is that even I get tired. Apparently I think I wear a super hero's cape instead of just a bra & panty just like every other woman. Wait...what? I am not Super Woman? When exactly did that happen?

Most days, I wake up....put on my make up (you know you are now humming that little ditty in your head) and put on a smile and face the day the best way I know how; with a positive attitude. Most of the time this keeps me trucking along my insane schedule feeling like I am a powerful, smart and capable woman. Then BAM my go go go style catches up to me and I all of the sudden feel as though someone has stuck me in a pool of molasses and I can't get moving to save my hide. Somehow, when I hit this place I get so frustrated with myself I think that I must have been failing all along.

Why is it that one slip, one flaw can make me feel as though that is all that there is? It is as though we take one wrong step and we are staring at the funhouse mirror with a seriously skewed perception of reality. Thank God for the blessing of wonderful friends who remind you that "you take on so many things in life that it is no wonder it catches up to you." I assume that everyone does the same things I do and has a similar schedule to the one I have. Apparently I am sorely mistaken. I have come to realize that I am capable of multitasking to the point where I am literally balancing cake tiers worth of activities and somehow....I thrive and I power through and I often do a fantastic job. God has blessed me with so many amazing attributes.

I think my goal within the next year is to thank God more for the energy and abilities that He has given to me and to be more mindful of the things I take on so that I don't crash and burn. I know that when I crash and burn I get down on myself and well....we all know how that cycle goes ;)

Tattoo of catharsis

Today 6/18/11 was a day of catharsis for me. I finally got the tattoo I have been puzzling together in my mind for the past 2 1/2 years. This may seem silly to some. I do agree it is a very good length of time to be contemplating a piece of body art.

This tattoo is more than just art to me though. This tattoo has so much symbolism and the pain of today receiving the tattoo was a cleansing of all of the pain and change that I have experienced that lead to the creation of this artwork. I feel the physical release of so many emotions that I have carried with me throughout this time of growth and transformation.

I will first explain the images and then attach them.

Bumblebee: My family on my mother's side has a bumblebee in their crest (you can see it in the Sistine Chapel). Also, I have a son whose initials are B.G. and I often call him my bug. His initials are in the wings and his D.O.B. lies under the bumblebee.

Vines/Scroll: symbolizes growth and change and a winding path

Butterfly/Key body: Butterflies traditionally signify growth/change/rebirth. The key is literally just that "the key to change". Purple signifies wealth(of spirit, strength, character) Orange: signifies warmth, heart, ambition. Blue signifies peace, calm, tranquility. Yellow...well yellow is the color of a bumblebee and looks amazing :)

Here is the transition from "nakey foot" to beautiful piece of art.

What makes the world go round?

There are days I find myself feeling like an utter failure at everything I have attempted to do in life. Then I slap myself and say look around you, silly little nitwit and realize that you have have created and raised a beautiful, smart, kind and loving child. You have held a job and supported your family. You have lost 30 lbs and 20 inches worth of person in less than a year. You have grown as a person and learned to love and respect yourself more than ever in your past. You are loyal and loving to your friends. You give and help when people don't expect it.

I have a very blessed life. I know that God and his angels watch over me and my family. I know that He is leading me through this life and that He will protect me if I just set aside my human pride and ASK.

I got to spend time with wonderful momma's today and their sweet, caring, smart and beautiful little boys. I am so proud of the women we are and how we teach our children to love and be thoughtful and how they will be men one day who will be examples to others. We all need time to cherish our friends, to learn and grow and to share time together. We need support. I have heard a theory that I feel to be true, they say that in America we have more back problems than in any other country; that we have these back problems because we are so individualistic as a culture that our physical bodies manifest the singular focus we put on our lives, and that we as a people take on so much that our backs cannot support our world. Our physical bodies do manifest the stresses in our life.

When did it get so complex, when did it get so demanding. When will I feel strong enough to simplify. Because let's not kid ourselves....it takes strength.

I praise God for the strength he has given me and for the path's he has lead me down. I pray for another day, another lesson and angels to guard me.

God is AMAZING

For the last several months I have been perfecting the art of juggling swords, knives and bills....no really just bills :) It only feels like I am dodging swords and knives.
As a single mother-who receives little to no help from someone who shall remain nameless- I often find that I am barely treading water keeping the simple life I have created for my family alive. I want my son to eat healthy food, learn both mentally and emotionally in school, have a roof over his head and clothes on his back, have medical care when he needs it, and darn it have some entertainment too. No, I do not feel that is asking too much. With this economy and with the small budget I have to work with this is ALWAYS a challenge.

I have learned to put my trust and faith in God. Time and time again He has proven to me that through Him all things are indeed possible. Just when I think I'm going to lose my electricity or not have enough gas to make it to school/work magically some opportunity for earning a little money comes up; or a "missing" 20.00 magically appears. I pray as often as I can to say thank you for the blessings that I receive in this life.

I am most certainly not perfect, and I often fall victim to my own fears and my own human nature to rely solely on myself for survival. It is becoming refreshing to realize that is not the case.

God truly is amazing and tests my faith OFTEN. I know that this is so that I will not be found lacking the day He decides to call me to his side. (yes that thought still scares the bejebus out of me.) It is hard, and it usually makes me want to throw punches into the universe as though that will somehow show Him I think he's a nutso sometimes. But I always revert to praying for help and asking ceaselessly to hear his call and follow His commands so that I can continue to be saved. I am quite sure I would have lost my mind by now if I continued to live as though I was a lonely little island.

Who needs sleep....

Who needs sleep? Well you're never gonna get it. Who needs sleep? Tell me what's that for?

Now that I have that wonderful little ditty stuck in your head.....

The past few nights (since the stupid super moon) I have been unable to fall asleep at what I deem a reasonable hour. This is especially frustrating as I have a 3 yr old who is also incapable of staying asleep lately. It is like I am back to having a newborn again. It isn't like it's practice for a new one. Truly it's just cruel and unusual punishment.

Mostly it is because I have so many things going my brain doesn't have a chance to shut off. There are caterers to call, photographers to set appointments with, venues to view and then there's my "real" job that also has to get done...oh and did I already mention the 3 yr old? Well I take care of him too and as a single mom that means I pull double duty there. Does that mean I have 4 jobs? Hmm....

I must say though God has blessed me with amazing talents an even more amazing little boy and a wonderful network of friends and family. Every day I am blessed to be able to wake up and take care of my family and to provide for our needs. I am able to keep a roof over our head, food in our bellies and a song in our heart (oh yes, a raffi reference!) I do my best to remember this when the chaos of life threatens to make me throw in the towel.

And now I will try to wind down and get myself some sleep. Eyeliner is one thing but these dark rings I've got are just a tad more than I can hack

Calendar Craziness

These past few weeks have been a barage of social/business engagements. On top of that has been the illness I have termed "the plague". I must admit the black circles under my eye are so prominent that it looks as though I was in some sort of altercation....and lost.

I have had a wonderful time car shopping with a friend, shopping for clothes, stamping baby shower cards, attending a venue tour, food tasting for a wedding in September, doctors appointments and just about every other type of engagement it seems.I think sometime soon I will have to schedule some good old fashioned R & R.

I've been on a terrible eating binge. I think that I will have to do something drastic to spark steps back to the straight and narrow-waistline that is. Sad that statement just made me think of the Ding Dongs that are currently residing on top of my fridge. Shame.

Off to my next appointment!

part deux

I finished off the last post stating that I would indeed cover the second big discovery of that day.(Don't ask me which day because I honestly couldn't tell you...I mean it took me until 4 pm to remember that it was only Monday)

I am not going to go into the specifics of the incident itself but will definitely talk about the breakthrough.

I have had myriad experiences in the dating world, to be honest most of them not pleasant at all. This is in large part due to an experience I had at the age of 18. The way I coped with that experience was to completely separate myself from my feminine self. It was one or the other for me. I was either emotionally connected or I could find a physical satisfaction. Never both. I didn't realize until the other day that it was truly NEVER both. I had so completely separated myself from my femininity that the energy I put out and radiate to others was confusing. I was a fantastic guy friend, I was the awesome chick who could have fun and not get attached (truly not so awesome) and I was a fantastic mother. But rarely if ever did I radiate, strong sensual WOMAN who wants to be loved in return and who wants to be treated like a woman. I didn't know what that was so how could I possibly project that?

Friday ( just popped into my brain that was the day) I finally made peace with the experience and allowed my two halves to connect again as one. It was very painful, wholly moving and amazing. It made me ache for the 18 year old girl who just didn't know how to cope, and in the process ended up "breaking her radar". I stunted a huge part of my growth as a woman by the way that I coped. It wasn't that it was wrong or that it was bad, but it definitely explains how I miss key red flags and other crucial elements that nearly all of my female friends spot from a mile away. I however, walked around with a giant, DUH, please kick me sign. It took me 12 years to realize what events made me the way I was and to finally answer my reoccurring question "why can't I seem to find a decent guy, why am I always attracted to the assholes" Why? Because I projected the need to have someone be emotionally unavailable to me because I could not handle both. (not that my logical brain had any clue what my body had been putting out there.) And guess what...Assholes are exactly that. Emotionally unavailable.

This by no means is saying that I take blame for every relationship I've had gone wrong or that I was solely at fault for any events, it is just saying that I have finally learned what it is that was blocking me. ME. And that by opening that door and correcting that misguided path, I can finally understand why it was that I had the luck I did. It isn't as though I had forgotten the event, it was just that I had no idea what damage and what blockage I had created in how I chose to deal with the event. One upside however, is that it is a huge part of what has made me the amazingly strong woman that I am.

It is a huge weight off my shoulders. I could finally grieve for the loss. I could grieve for that pregnancy that I should have enjoyed with my son. The disconnection I had and of course that particular situation left me unable to connect with and embrace one of the most amazing miracles we could possibly experience in life. I finally feel as though I am a whole woman, one who can embrace that she is a SHE and that I don't have to be anything more than just myself. I cannot wait to start seeing those flags that I have missed and to have a connection to something as powerful as female intuition. I've had mommy intuition and great intuition where other women are concerned but now to finally apply it where it is so important. It will be mahvalous!

30 is going to be an amazing year!