I finished off the last post stating that I would indeed cover the second big discovery of that day.(Don't ask me which day because I honestly couldn't tell you...I mean it took me until 4 pm to remember that it was only Monday)
I am not going to go into the specifics of the incident itself but will definitely talk about the breakthrough.
I have had myriad experiences in the dating world, to be honest most of them not pleasant at all. This is in large part due to an experience I had at the age of 18. The way I coped with that experience was to completely separate myself from my feminine self. It was one or the other for me. I was either emotionally connected or I could find a physical satisfaction. Never both. I didn't realize until the other day that it was truly NEVER both. I had so completely separated myself from my femininity that the energy I put out and radiate to others was confusing. I was a fantastic guy friend, I was the awesome chick who could have fun and not get attached (truly not so awesome) and I was a fantastic mother. But rarely if ever did I radiate, strong sensual WOMAN who wants to be loved in return and who wants to be treated like a woman. I didn't know what that was so how could I possibly project that?
Friday ( just popped into my brain that was the day) I finally made peace with the experience and allowed my two halves to connect again as one. It was very painful, wholly moving and amazing. It made me ache for the 18 year old girl who just didn't know how to cope, and in the process ended up "breaking her radar". I stunted a huge part of my growth as a woman by the way that I coped. It wasn't that it was wrong or that it was bad, but it definitely explains how I miss key red flags and other crucial elements that nearly all of my female friends spot from a mile away. I however, walked around with a giant, DUH, please kick me sign. It took me 12 years to realize what events made me the way I was and to finally answer my reoccurring question "why can't I seem to find a decent guy, why am I always attracted to the assholes" Why? Because I projected the need to have someone be emotionally unavailable to me because I could not handle both. (not that my logical brain had any clue what my body had been putting out there.) And guess what...Assholes are exactly that. Emotionally unavailable.
This by no means is saying that I take blame for every relationship I've had gone wrong or that I was solely at fault for any events, it is just saying that I have finally learned what it is that was blocking me. ME. And that by opening that door and correcting that misguided path, I can finally understand why it was that I had the luck I did. It isn't as though I had forgotten the event, it was just that I had no idea what damage and what blockage I had created in how I chose to deal with the event. One upside however, is that it is a huge part of what has made me the amazingly strong woman that I am.
It is a huge weight off my shoulders. I could finally grieve for the loss. I could grieve for that pregnancy that I should have enjoyed with my son. The disconnection I had and of course that particular situation left me unable to connect with and embrace one of the most amazing miracles we could possibly experience in life. I finally feel as though I am a whole woman, one who can embrace that she is a SHE and that I don't have to be anything more than just myself. I cannot wait to start seeing those flags that I have missed and to have a connection to something as powerful as female intuition. I've had mommy intuition and great intuition where other women are concerned but now to finally apply it where it is so important. It will be mahvalous!
30 is going to be an amazing year!
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