You never know what you're missing until it finds you

Life is a funny little place that likes to throw curve balls. It seems that you can be muddling through, stuck in second gear, trying to figure out just what it is that you are missing. What crucial point you have yet to grasp. Then, out of the blue, your point shows up at the door, in the grocery store, in the elevator, on tv; wherever really...the point is that it just appears.

It isn't necessarily that it is a person. Sometimes it is a song, or a series of songs. Sometimes it is a friend who happens to have the right words at the time. It may be a picture, a fleeting thought, a smile, a hug. This moment in time opens your eyes to the realization that you haven't been stuck; you have been living and learning and loving to the best of your ability and that you, just as everyone else, are beautiful, flawed, perfect versions of humanity.

The sense of relief that comes with these times in our life is often the precise release we needed. Without these minute epiphanies we can sit at the edge of an anxious precipice feeling as though the very next thing that travels into our universe is going to be the very thing that sends us plummeting off the edge. Instead, we get a small reprieve a shot of light showing is that it isn't that bad, and we aren't that far off the mark and that whatever thread we are currently weaving into our tapestry is still going to produce a beautiful result.

I love that my life is filled with these moments and that I have people who love me enough to go to the edges and back with me.

Yes, the rest of us have plates to fill....you dear have cake tiers

Friends truly are life's mirrors. On a day like today when I wonder just how many more rabbits I can pull out of my hat before someone will see through the smoke and mirrors, my good friends are on the scene to shine a more accurate light on the situation.

I am so many things to so many people and yet I am oblivious to all that I do. If I sat down and made a list of the things I had to do in the course of just one week, it would most likely make the run of the mill person feel tired just reading it (I am not saying this to toot my horn, I am saying this because it was said to me.)

I have such high standards set for myself that when I am "average" or "normal" I feel like I am being a let down to those around me. Exactly when I stopped feeling that it was okay to need help, to not be ON 100% of the time was okay and acceptable and NEEDED, is beyond me. Did I set myself up to be this way? Did I learn this growing up? I don't know. What I do know is that even I get tired. Apparently I think I wear a super hero's cape instead of just a bra & panty just like every other woman. Wait...what? I am not Super Woman? When exactly did that happen?

Most days, I wake up....put on my make up (you know you are now humming that little ditty in your head) and put on a smile and face the day the best way I know how; with a positive attitude. Most of the time this keeps me trucking along my insane schedule feeling like I am a powerful, smart and capable woman. Then BAM my go go go style catches up to me and I all of the sudden feel as though someone has stuck me in a pool of molasses and I can't get moving to save my hide. Somehow, when I hit this place I get so frustrated with myself I think that I must have been failing all along.

Why is it that one slip, one flaw can make me feel as though that is all that there is? It is as though we take one wrong step and we are staring at the funhouse mirror with a seriously skewed perception of reality. Thank God for the blessing of wonderful friends who remind you that "you take on so many things in life that it is no wonder it catches up to you." I assume that everyone does the same things I do and has a similar schedule to the one I have. Apparently I am sorely mistaken. I have come to realize that I am capable of multitasking to the point where I am literally balancing cake tiers worth of activities and somehow....I thrive and I power through and I often do a fantastic job. God has blessed me with so many amazing attributes.

I think my goal within the next year is to thank God more for the energy and abilities that He has given to me and to be more mindful of the things I take on so that I don't crash and burn. I know that when I crash and burn I get down on myself and well....we all know how that cycle goes ;)

Tattoo of catharsis

Today 6/18/11 was a day of catharsis for me. I finally got the tattoo I have been puzzling together in my mind for the past 2 1/2 years. This may seem silly to some. I do agree it is a very good length of time to be contemplating a piece of body art.

This tattoo is more than just art to me though. This tattoo has so much symbolism and the pain of today receiving the tattoo was a cleansing of all of the pain and change that I have experienced that lead to the creation of this artwork. I feel the physical release of so many emotions that I have carried with me throughout this time of growth and transformation.

I will first explain the images and then attach them.

Bumblebee: My family on my mother's side has a bumblebee in their crest (you can see it in the Sistine Chapel). Also, I have a son whose initials are B.G. and I often call him my bug. His initials are in the wings and his D.O.B. lies under the bumblebee.

Vines/Scroll: symbolizes growth and change and a winding path

Butterfly/Key body: Butterflies traditionally signify growth/change/rebirth. The key is literally just that "the key to change". Purple signifies wealth(of spirit, strength, character) Orange: signifies warmth, heart, ambition. Blue signifies peace, calm, tranquility. Yellow...well yellow is the color of a bumblebee and looks amazing :)

Here is the transition from "nakey foot" to beautiful piece of art.

What makes the world go round?

There are days I find myself feeling like an utter failure at everything I have attempted to do in life. Then I slap myself and say look around you, silly little nitwit and realize that you have have created and raised a beautiful, smart, kind and loving child. You have held a job and supported your family. You have lost 30 lbs and 20 inches worth of person in less than a year. You have grown as a person and learned to love and respect yourself more than ever in your past. You are loyal and loving to your friends. You give and help when people don't expect it.

I have a very blessed life. I know that God and his angels watch over me and my family. I know that He is leading me through this life and that He will protect me if I just set aside my human pride and ASK.

I got to spend time with wonderful momma's today and their sweet, caring, smart and beautiful little boys. I am so proud of the women we are and how we teach our children to love and be thoughtful and how they will be men one day who will be examples to others. We all need time to cherish our friends, to learn and grow and to share time together. We need support. I have heard a theory that I feel to be true, they say that in America we have more back problems than in any other country; that we have these back problems because we are so individualistic as a culture that our physical bodies manifest the singular focus we put on our lives, and that we as a people take on so much that our backs cannot support our world. Our physical bodies do manifest the stresses in our life.

When did it get so complex, when did it get so demanding. When will I feel strong enough to simplify. Because let's not kid ourselves....it takes strength.

I praise God for the strength he has given me and for the path's he has lead me down. I pray for another day, another lesson and angels to guard me.

God is AMAZING

For the last several months I have been perfecting the art of juggling swords, knives and bills....no really just bills :) It only feels like I am dodging swords and knives.
As a single mother-who receives little to no help from someone who shall remain nameless- I often find that I am barely treading water keeping the simple life I have created for my family alive. I want my son to eat healthy food, learn both mentally and emotionally in school, have a roof over his head and clothes on his back, have medical care when he needs it, and darn it have some entertainment too. No, I do not feel that is asking too much. With this economy and with the small budget I have to work with this is ALWAYS a challenge.

I have learned to put my trust and faith in God. Time and time again He has proven to me that through Him all things are indeed possible. Just when I think I'm going to lose my electricity or not have enough gas to make it to school/work magically some opportunity for earning a little money comes up; or a "missing" 20.00 magically appears. I pray as often as I can to say thank you for the blessings that I receive in this life.

I am most certainly not perfect, and I often fall victim to my own fears and my own human nature to rely solely on myself for survival. It is becoming refreshing to realize that is not the case.

God truly is amazing and tests my faith OFTEN. I know that this is so that I will not be found lacking the day He decides to call me to his side. (yes that thought still scares the bejebus out of me.) It is hard, and it usually makes me want to throw punches into the universe as though that will somehow show Him I think he's a nutso sometimes. But I always revert to praying for help and asking ceaselessly to hear his call and follow His commands so that I can continue to be saved. I am quite sure I would have lost my mind by now if I continued to live as though I was a lonely little island.

Who needs sleep....

Who needs sleep? Well you're never gonna get it. Who needs sleep? Tell me what's that for?

Now that I have that wonderful little ditty stuck in your head.....

The past few nights (since the stupid super moon) I have been unable to fall asleep at what I deem a reasonable hour. This is especially frustrating as I have a 3 yr old who is also incapable of staying asleep lately. It is like I am back to having a newborn again. It isn't like it's practice for a new one. Truly it's just cruel and unusual punishment.

Mostly it is because I have so many things going my brain doesn't have a chance to shut off. There are caterers to call, photographers to set appointments with, venues to view and then there's my "real" job that also has to get done...oh and did I already mention the 3 yr old? Well I take care of him too and as a single mom that means I pull double duty there. Does that mean I have 4 jobs? Hmm....

I must say though God has blessed me with amazing talents an even more amazing little boy and a wonderful network of friends and family. Every day I am blessed to be able to wake up and take care of my family and to provide for our needs. I am able to keep a roof over our head, food in our bellies and a song in our heart (oh yes, a raffi reference!) I do my best to remember this when the chaos of life threatens to make me throw in the towel.

And now I will try to wind down and get myself some sleep. Eyeliner is one thing but these dark rings I've got are just a tad more than I can hack

Calendar Craziness

These past few weeks have been a barage of social/business engagements. On top of that has been the illness I have termed "the plague". I must admit the black circles under my eye are so prominent that it looks as though I was in some sort of altercation....and lost.

I have had a wonderful time car shopping with a friend, shopping for clothes, stamping baby shower cards, attending a venue tour, food tasting for a wedding in September, doctors appointments and just about every other type of engagement it seems.I think sometime soon I will have to schedule some good old fashioned R & R.

I've been on a terrible eating binge. I think that I will have to do something drastic to spark steps back to the straight and narrow-waistline that is. Sad that statement just made me think of the Ding Dongs that are currently residing on top of my fridge. Shame.

Off to my next appointment!

part deux

I finished off the last post stating that I would indeed cover the second big discovery of that day.(Don't ask me which day because I honestly couldn't tell you...I mean it took me until 4 pm to remember that it was only Monday)

I am not going to go into the specifics of the incident itself but will definitely talk about the breakthrough.

I have had myriad experiences in the dating world, to be honest most of them not pleasant at all. This is in large part due to an experience I had at the age of 18. The way I coped with that experience was to completely separate myself from my feminine self. It was one or the other for me. I was either emotionally connected or I could find a physical satisfaction. Never both. I didn't realize until the other day that it was truly NEVER both. I had so completely separated myself from my femininity that the energy I put out and radiate to others was confusing. I was a fantastic guy friend, I was the awesome chick who could have fun and not get attached (truly not so awesome) and I was a fantastic mother. But rarely if ever did I radiate, strong sensual WOMAN who wants to be loved in return and who wants to be treated like a woman. I didn't know what that was so how could I possibly project that?

Friday ( just popped into my brain that was the day) I finally made peace with the experience and allowed my two halves to connect again as one. It was very painful, wholly moving and amazing. It made me ache for the 18 year old girl who just didn't know how to cope, and in the process ended up "breaking her radar". I stunted a huge part of my growth as a woman by the way that I coped. It wasn't that it was wrong or that it was bad, but it definitely explains how I miss key red flags and other crucial elements that nearly all of my female friends spot from a mile away. I however, walked around with a giant, DUH, please kick me sign. It took me 12 years to realize what events made me the way I was and to finally answer my reoccurring question "why can't I seem to find a decent guy, why am I always attracted to the assholes" Why? Because I projected the need to have someone be emotionally unavailable to me because I could not handle both. (not that my logical brain had any clue what my body had been putting out there.) And guess what...Assholes are exactly that. Emotionally unavailable.

This by no means is saying that I take blame for every relationship I've had gone wrong or that I was solely at fault for any events, it is just saying that I have finally learned what it is that was blocking me. ME. And that by opening that door and correcting that misguided path, I can finally understand why it was that I had the luck I did. It isn't as though I had forgotten the event, it was just that I had no idea what damage and what blockage I had created in how I chose to deal with the event. One upside however, is that it is a huge part of what has made me the amazingly strong woman that I am.

It is a huge weight off my shoulders. I could finally grieve for the loss. I could grieve for that pregnancy that I should have enjoyed with my son. The disconnection I had and of course that particular situation left me unable to connect with and embrace one of the most amazing miracles we could possibly experience in life. I finally feel as though I am a whole woman, one who can embrace that she is a SHE and that I don't have to be anything more than just myself. I cannot wait to start seeing those flags that I have missed and to have a connection to something as powerful as female intuition. I've had mommy intuition and great intuition where other women are concerned but now to finally apply it where it is so important. It will be mahvalous!

30 is going to be an amazing year!

Will the sickness EVER end?

I got sick and was down and out of work for nearly a full week at the beginning of February. It was horrid, and it was both occupants of my household who were stricken by this hideous "cold". Believe me "cold" is far too mild a term for this wretched germ that has taken away all normalcy from my life for a MONTH now!
I have tried to be reasonable, but when it took me down at the beginning of March and forced me to miss another 2 days of work, that was it! This nastiness has also given my poor little guy a double ear infection for 4 weeks now. Foul Play! I am praying that this illness leaves me house sooner rather than later. I don't think I can handle much more.
I cough like a goose/80 year old man with emphysema. Definitely not sexy not to mention painful.

I did, however, realize two very important things this week. A) I have almost always viewed illness as some sort of shortcoming, some failure on my part. A weakness. Laugh at me if you like. It is true. I felt as though I had in some way failed my duties as an adult and as a mother to remain healthy and to keep my child healthy. I realize that this feeling stems from two places, 1) my parents do NOT take sick days and being sick was something to get over quickly and to suck up while it was happening. 2) my abusive ex who used to tell me that it was my fault that he was ALWAYS sick ( he got sick far more often than I ever did) and that I was weak for always bringing home every germ and that it was my fault and that if I was a better mother my son wouldn't be sick or have this many ear infections yadda yadda yadda.
I realized these things the other day as I found myself responding defensively to a concerned friend when she sent a message saying poor kiddo I just wish he could get better. Now this is a statement of concern, NOT JUDGMENT and I responded- internally- as though she had just slapped me and said "you shit for brains mom, how could you let your child suffer and stay sick like this? Don't you have any clue what you're doing?"
It was like a slap in the face. A wake up call. It is ok to get sick, it sucks and I hate it and I definitely want to take steps to make better habits and stay healthy more often, but it isn't something I did, or didn't do. It isn't because I have failed and it isn't weakness to catch a bug.
I'm sure most of you read this and think, "duh lady, that's common sense" and you're right it is. It is also a script that I have had to rewrite in my brain because of the messages that I have received repeatedly in my life.

and I think I will save realization B) for another post. It's a doozy. A fabulous wonderful doozy.

Damnit you cookies!

Today started out pretty darn well, I actually woke up at a decent time without an alarm and was motivated enough to get on my Wii and work out. I finished up that workout with the most handsome cheerleader shouting Yay Momma! Go you're winning!

The workout was followed by a blur of activity, shower, coffee, breakfast for the little guy, packing lunches, putting clothes into a bag to send to the exchange at work, etc....Then off we were to the sign my taxes. I was pleasantly surprised with receiving a little more than I originally expected for my taxes which was wonderful and BONUS as a thank you my tax gal gave me a box of girlscout cookies and I got to choose which kind. I LOVE LOVE Samoa's. (I realize that if I was smart I would have picked a box of girlscout cookies that I'm not mildly addicted to and therefore stand a chance of not gaining a zillion pounds because I won't share the box--yes I said WON'T share)

This was followed up by a "check up" at the Dr for the boy who STILL has an ear infection after three weeks. Stupid germies, this momma will attack at full force and I always win so watch it!

Then weigh in day...I neither gained nor lost which in itself is an accomplishment. This week was not exactly phenomenal when it came to eating wisely and working out. I will take no change and I will smile about it....now back to those damn cookies will I be able to maintain or GASP even lose next week....tune in

Now I am trying to declutter and create the zen experience that every bedroom needs. Instead I have used just about every technological source of distraction. I RULE. Ugh...okay I have reminded myself that I am neglecting my "responsibilities" who needs clean clothes folded AND put away...I mean really we ask so much ;)

Back to it.

Holy Mounds of Clothing

Every few months I revert to my bad habits and let the folded laundry stay in piles on my bed, my floor, in my closet, on my dress (don't ask me why not IN my dresser)... to the point where I eventually have a single walking path from the door to the bed; now mind you that is a VERY short distance but still unacceptable.

I don't have a good reason as to why I let this happen, I don't like it and it frustrates me every time. I know that it only takes just a few extra minutes to put the laundry away or sort and recycle the mail (my other constant source of clutter). Yet for some reason, I choose to skip that step just enough times that it becomes a task that appears insurmountable, and then I am just too vexed to take on the task at hand. Eventually either shame or a really good reason to clean my room thoroughly gives me the extra incentive I need to take care of this hideous beast. It takes me far longer than it EVER would have if I just took it as it comes and I still inevitably end up with the "what do I do with this crap" pile. I know you say toss that pile of crap out...but it isn't unneeded crap, or even garbage, it is simply those things which you need and use infrequently but that have no appropriate place. Almost without fail, that pile becomes the starting place for the next round of Mount Vesuvius.

I am on hour 3 of this task and decided for sanity sake I would take a break and share my sad story. If it wasn't so terribly embarrasing I would post the before and after photo....well maybe I will anyway. A little additional humility could make me less likely to do this in the future (hmm good in theory, we shall see). Ugh....back to the trenches.....

whew busy day

Coffee with friends, car shopping a bridal show and somewhere in there MAYBE some house cleaning.

This is going to be one productive day. Now if only I can get my legs to cooperate.
I decided that since my lazy bones were not staying up to work out that I would simply need to set the alarm earlier to get in an am sweat session. Viola it worked. I should know better, I am after all a morning person. I turned on my Wii, started up Biggest Loser Challenge and instead of the programmed work out I expected it was a BL Challenge....alright I say to myself this could be fun. Round 1: squats, for nearly 3 minutes....then speed bag punches. Alright little sore but this is good and I WON first place. woohoo. Oh, wait...Round 2: (hmm what will this be)SQUATS for another 3 minutes and more speed bag punches....alright I can do this. Won again! WHAT WAIT WHAT... ROUND 3: (damnit) MORE SQUATS and friggin punches but I WIN! Ok I'm feeling warmed up now...whew I like this. So I think I'll grab a few "a la carte" items...lets do some bicep curls, tap punches and uppercuts.

While the idea was wonderful at the time and felt great, I now have the maneuverability of a 1,000 year old woman in my legs. They scream ever time I step, squat, sit, stand....ok they scream with pretty much all motion. I just keep telling myself....SHORTS, SKIRTS, Dresses and KILLER LEGS. I will take heart knowing that I will one day have the killer gams of Sarah Jessica Parker and (don't roll your eyes) Jennifer Lopez. Jenn may make me want to poke my eyes out with some of her ludicrousness, she does have fabulous legs.

Well off to get this day going!

little sleepy

9:45 and I feel like I am dangerously past my bedtime.

I have spent the better part of the last few days furiously arranging spreadsheets, budgets, creative ideas and names....oh yeah and emails. But I love it. I truly hope that God blesses me in all of my steps as I follow this path He has set forth.

I'm thrilled and terrified-thrillified. I finally set up a business blog. That one of course will keep the the professional side of life. My Wandering Wonders however will be a space for me to explore all of the beauty and ponderings that float through this fantastical brain of mine. ENJOY