Who needs sleep? Well you're never gonna get it. Who needs sleep? Tell me what's that for?
Now that I have that wonderful little ditty stuck in your head.....
The past few nights (since the stupid super moon) I have been unable to fall asleep at what I deem a reasonable hour. This is especially frustrating as I have a 3 yr old who is also incapable of staying asleep lately. It is like I am back to having a newborn again. It isn't like it's practice for a new one. Truly it's just cruel and unusual punishment.
Mostly it is because I have so many things going my brain doesn't have a chance to shut off. There are caterers to call, photographers to set appointments with, venues to view and then there's my "real" job that also has to get done...oh and did I already mention the 3 yr old? Well I take care of him too and as a single mom that means I pull double duty there. Does that mean I have 4 jobs? Hmm....
I must say though God has blessed me with amazing talents an even more amazing little boy and a wonderful network of friends and family. Every day I am blessed to be able to wake up and take care of my family and to provide for our needs. I am able to keep a roof over our head, food in our bellies and a song in our heart (oh yes, a raffi reference!) I do my best to remember this when the chaos of life threatens to make me throw in the towel.
And now I will try to wind down and get myself some sleep. Eyeliner is one thing but these dark rings I've got are just a tad more than I can hack
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Saturday, March 19, 2011
Calendar Craziness
These past few weeks have been a barage of social/business engagements. On top of that has been the illness I have termed "the plague". I must admit the black circles under my eye are so prominent that it looks as though I was in some sort of altercation....and lost.
I have had a wonderful time car shopping with a friend, shopping for clothes, stamping baby shower cards, attending a venue tour, food tasting for a wedding in September, doctors appointments and just about every other type of engagement it seems.I think sometime soon I will have to schedule some good old fashioned R & R.
I've been on a terrible eating binge. I think that I will have to do something drastic to spark steps back to the straight and narrow-waistline that is. Sad that statement just made me think of the Ding Dongs that are currently residing on top of my fridge. Shame.
Off to my next appointment!
I have had a wonderful time car shopping with a friend, shopping for clothes, stamping baby shower cards, attending a venue tour, food tasting for a wedding in September, doctors appointments and just about every other type of engagement it seems.I think sometime soon I will have to schedule some good old fashioned R & R.
I've been on a terrible eating binge. I think that I will have to do something drastic to spark steps back to the straight and narrow-waistline that is. Sad that statement just made me think of the Ding Dongs that are currently residing on top of my fridge. Shame.
Off to my next appointment!
Monday, March 14, 2011
part deux
I finished off the last post stating that I would indeed cover the second big discovery of that day.(Don't ask me which day because I honestly couldn't tell you...I mean it took me until 4 pm to remember that it was only Monday)
I am not going to go into the specifics of the incident itself but will definitely talk about the breakthrough.
I have had myriad experiences in the dating world, to be honest most of them not pleasant at all. This is in large part due to an experience I had at the age of 18. The way I coped with that experience was to completely separate myself from my feminine self. It was one or the other for me. I was either emotionally connected or I could find a physical satisfaction. Never both. I didn't realize until the other day that it was truly NEVER both. I had so completely separated myself from my femininity that the energy I put out and radiate to others was confusing. I was a fantastic guy friend, I was the awesome chick who could have fun and not get attached (truly not so awesome) and I was a fantastic mother. But rarely if ever did I radiate, strong sensual WOMAN who wants to be loved in return and who wants to be treated like a woman. I didn't know what that was so how could I possibly project that?
Friday ( just popped into my brain that was the day) I finally made peace with the experience and allowed my two halves to connect again as one. It was very painful, wholly moving and amazing. It made me ache for the 18 year old girl who just didn't know how to cope, and in the process ended up "breaking her radar". I stunted a huge part of my growth as a woman by the way that I coped. It wasn't that it was wrong or that it was bad, but it definitely explains how I miss key red flags and other crucial elements that nearly all of my female friends spot from a mile away. I however, walked around with a giant, DUH, please kick me sign. It took me 12 years to realize what events made me the way I was and to finally answer my reoccurring question "why can't I seem to find a decent guy, why am I always attracted to the assholes" Why? Because I projected the need to have someone be emotionally unavailable to me because I could not handle both. (not that my logical brain had any clue what my body had been putting out there.) And guess what...Assholes are exactly that. Emotionally unavailable.
This by no means is saying that I take blame for every relationship I've had gone wrong or that I was solely at fault for any events, it is just saying that I have finally learned what it is that was blocking me. ME. And that by opening that door and correcting that misguided path, I can finally understand why it was that I had the luck I did. It isn't as though I had forgotten the event, it was just that I had no idea what damage and what blockage I had created in how I chose to deal with the event. One upside however, is that it is a huge part of what has made me the amazingly strong woman that I am.
It is a huge weight off my shoulders. I could finally grieve for the loss. I could grieve for that pregnancy that I should have enjoyed with my son. The disconnection I had and of course that particular situation left me unable to connect with and embrace one of the most amazing miracles we could possibly experience in life. I finally feel as though I am a whole woman, one who can embrace that she is a SHE and that I don't have to be anything more than just myself. I cannot wait to start seeing those flags that I have missed and to have a connection to something as powerful as female intuition. I've had mommy intuition and great intuition where other women are concerned but now to finally apply it where it is so important. It will be mahvalous!
30 is going to be an amazing year!
I am not going to go into the specifics of the incident itself but will definitely talk about the breakthrough.
I have had myriad experiences in the dating world, to be honest most of them not pleasant at all. This is in large part due to an experience I had at the age of 18. The way I coped with that experience was to completely separate myself from my feminine self. It was one or the other for me. I was either emotionally connected or I could find a physical satisfaction. Never both. I didn't realize until the other day that it was truly NEVER both. I had so completely separated myself from my femininity that the energy I put out and radiate to others was confusing. I was a fantastic guy friend, I was the awesome chick who could have fun and not get attached (truly not so awesome) and I was a fantastic mother. But rarely if ever did I radiate, strong sensual WOMAN who wants to be loved in return and who wants to be treated like a woman. I didn't know what that was so how could I possibly project that?
Friday ( just popped into my brain that was the day) I finally made peace with the experience and allowed my two halves to connect again as one. It was very painful, wholly moving and amazing. It made me ache for the 18 year old girl who just didn't know how to cope, and in the process ended up "breaking her radar". I stunted a huge part of my growth as a woman by the way that I coped. It wasn't that it was wrong or that it was bad, but it definitely explains how I miss key red flags and other crucial elements that nearly all of my female friends spot from a mile away. I however, walked around with a giant, DUH, please kick me sign. It took me 12 years to realize what events made me the way I was and to finally answer my reoccurring question "why can't I seem to find a decent guy, why am I always attracted to the assholes" Why? Because I projected the need to have someone be emotionally unavailable to me because I could not handle both. (not that my logical brain had any clue what my body had been putting out there.) And guess what...Assholes are exactly that. Emotionally unavailable.
This by no means is saying that I take blame for every relationship I've had gone wrong or that I was solely at fault for any events, it is just saying that I have finally learned what it is that was blocking me. ME. And that by opening that door and correcting that misguided path, I can finally understand why it was that I had the luck I did. It isn't as though I had forgotten the event, it was just that I had no idea what damage and what blockage I had created in how I chose to deal with the event. One upside however, is that it is a huge part of what has made me the amazingly strong woman that I am.
It is a huge weight off my shoulders. I could finally grieve for the loss. I could grieve for that pregnancy that I should have enjoyed with my son. The disconnection I had and of course that particular situation left me unable to connect with and embrace one of the most amazing miracles we could possibly experience in life. I finally feel as though I am a whole woman, one who can embrace that she is a SHE and that I don't have to be anything more than just myself. I cannot wait to start seeing those flags that I have missed and to have a connection to something as powerful as female intuition. I've had mommy intuition and great intuition where other women are concerned but now to finally apply it where it is so important. It will be mahvalous!
30 is going to be an amazing year!
Saturday, March 12, 2011
Will the sickness EVER end?
I got sick and was down and out of work for nearly a full week at the beginning of February. It was horrid, and it was both occupants of my household who were stricken by this hideous "cold". Believe me "cold" is far too mild a term for this wretched germ that has taken away all normalcy from my life for a MONTH now!
I have tried to be reasonable, but when it took me down at the beginning of March and forced me to miss another 2 days of work, that was it! This nastiness has also given my poor little guy a double ear infection for 4 weeks now. Foul Play! I am praying that this illness leaves me house sooner rather than later. I don't think I can handle much more.
I cough like a goose/80 year old man with emphysema. Definitely not sexy not to mention painful.
I did, however, realize two very important things this week. A) I have almost always viewed illness as some sort of shortcoming, some failure on my part. A weakness. Laugh at me if you like. It is true. I felt as though I had in some way failed my duties as an adult and as a mother to remain healthy and to keep my child healthy. I realize that this feeling stems from two places, 1) my parents do NOT take sick days and being sick was something to get over quickly and to suck up while it was happening. 2) my abusive ex who used to tell me that it was my fault that he was ALWAYS sick ( he got sick far more often than I ever did) and that I was weak for always bringing home every germ and that it was my fault and that if I was a better mother my son wouldn't be sick or have this many ear infections yadda yadda yadda.
I realized these things the other day as I found myself responding defensively to a concerned friend when she sent a message saying poor kiddo I just wish he could get better. Now this is a statement of concern, NOT JUDGMENT and I responded- internally- as though she had just slapped me and said "you shit for brains mom, how could you let your child suffer and stay sick like this? Don't you have any clue what you're doing?"
It was like a slap in the face. A wake up call. It is ok to get sick, it sucks and I hate it and I definitely want to take steps to make better habits and stay healthy more often, but it isn't something I did, or didn't do. It isn't because I have failed and it isn't weakness to catch a bug.
I'm sure most of you read this and think, "duh lady, that's common sense" and you're right it is. It is also a script that I have had to rewrite in my brain because of the messages that I have received repeatedly in my life.
and I think I will save realization B) for another post. It's a doozy. A fabulous wonderful doozy.
I have tried to be reasonable, but when it took me down at the beginning of March and forced me to miss another 2 days of work, that was it! This nastiness has also given my poor little guy a double ear infection for 4 weeks now. Foul Play! I am praying that this illness leaves me house sooner rather than later. I don't think I can handle much more.
I cough like a goose/80 year old man with emphysema. Definitely not sexy not to mention painful.
I did, however, realize two very important things this week. A) I have almost always viewed illness as some sort of shortcoming, some failure on my part. A weakness. Laugh at me if you like. It is true. I felt as though I had in some way failed my duties as an adult and as a mother to remain healthy and to keep my child healthy. I realize that this feeling stems from two places, 1) my parents do NOT take sick days and being sick was something to get over quickly and to suck up while it was happening. 2) my abusive ex who used to tell me that it was my fault that he was ALWAYS sick ( he got sick far more often than I ever did) and that I was weak for always bringing home every germ and that it was my fault and that if I was a better mother my son wouldn't be sick or have this many ear infections yadda yadda yadda.
I realized these things the other day as I found myself responding defensively to a concerned friend when she sent a message saying poor kiddo I just wish he could get better. Now this is a statement of concern, NOT JUDGMENT and I responded- internally- as though she had just slapped me and said "you shit for brains mom, how could you let your child suffer and stay sick like this? Don't you have any clue what you're doing?"
It was like a slap in the face. A wake up call. It is ok to get sick, it sucks and I hate it and I definitely want to take steps to make better habits and stay healthy more often, but it isn't something I did, or didn't do. It isn't because I have failed and it isn't weakness to catch a bug.
I'm sure most of you read this and think, "duh lady, that's common sense" and you're right it is. It is also a script that I have had to rewrite in my brain because of the messages that I have received repeatedly in my life.
and I think I will save realization B) for another post. It's a doozy. A fabulous wonderful doozy.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Damnit you cookies!
Today started out pretty darn well, I actually woke up at a decent time without an alarm and was motivated enough to get on my Wii and work out. I finished up that workout with the most handsome cheerleader shouting Yay Momma! Go you're winning!
The workout was followed by a blur of activity, shower, coffee, breakfast for the little guy, packing lunches, putting clothes into a bag to send to the exchange at work, etc....Then off we were to the sign my taxes. I was pleasantly surprised with receiving a little more than I originally expected for my taxes which was wonderful and BONUS as a thank you my tax gal gave me a box of girlscout cookies and I got to choose which kind. I LOVE LOVE Samoa's. (I realize that if I was smart I would have picked a box of girlscout cookies that I'm not mildly addicted to and therefore stand a chance of not gaining a zillion pounds because I won't share the box--yes I said WON'T share)
This was followed up by a "check up" at the Dr for the boy who STILL has an ear infection after three weeks. Stupid germies, this momma will attack at full force and I always win so watch it!
Then weigh in day...I neither gained nor lost which in itself is an accomplishment. This week was not exactly phenomenal when it came to eating wisely and working out. I will take no change and I will smile about it....now back to those damn cookies will I be able to maintain or GASP even lose next week....tune in
Now I am trying to declutter and create the zen experience that every bedroom needs. Instead I have used just about every technological source of distraction. I RULE. Ugh...okay I have reminded myself that I am neglecting my "responsibilities" who needs clean clothes folded AND put away...I mean really we ask so much ;)
Back to it.
The workout was followed by a blur of activity, shower, coffee, breakfast for the little guy, packing lunches, putting clothes into a bag to send to the exchange at work, etc....Then off we were to the sign my taxes. I was pleasantly surprised with receiving a little more than I originally expected for my taxes which was wonderful and BONUS as a thank you my tax gal gave me a box of girlscout cookies and I got to choose which kind. I LOVE LOVE Samoa's. (I realize that if I was smart I would have picked a box of girlscout cookies that I'm not mildly addicted to and therefore stand a chance of not gaining a zillion pounds because I won't share the box--yes I said WON'T share)
This was followed up by a "check up" at the Dr for the boy who STILL has an ear infection after three weeks. Stupid germies, this momma will attack at full force and I always win so watch it!
Then weigh in day...I neither gained nor lost which in itself is an accomplishment. This week was not exactly phenomenal when it came to eating wisely and working out. I will take no change and I will smile about it....now back to those damn cookies will I be able to maintain or GASP even lose next week....tune in
Now I am trying to declutter and create the zen experience that every bedroom needs. Instead I have used just about every technological source of distraction. I RULE. Ugh...okay I have reminded myself that I am neglecting my "responsibilities" who needs clean clothes folded AND put away...I mean really we ask so much ;)
Back to it.
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Holy Mounds of Clothing
Every few months I revert to my bad habits and let the folded laundry stay in piles on my bed, my floor, in my closet, on my dress (don't ask me why not IN my dresser)... to the point where I eventually have a single walking path from the door to the bed; now mind you that is a VERY short distance but still unacceptable.
I don't have a good reason as to why I let this happen, I don't like it and it frustrates me every time. I know that it only takes just a few extra minutes to put the laundry away or sort and recycle the mail (my other constant source of clutter). Yet for some reason, I choose to skip that step just enough times that it becomes a task that appears insurmountable, and then I am just too vexed to take on the task at hand. Eventually either shame or a really good reason to clean my room thoroughly gives me the extra incentive I need to take care of this hideous beast. It takes me far longer than it EVER would have if I just took it as it comes and I still inevitably end up with the "what do I do with this crap" pile. I know you say toss that pile of crap out...but it isn't unneeded crap, or even garbage, it is simply those things which you need and use infrequently but that have no appropriate place. Almost without fail, that pile becomes the starting place for the next round of Mount Vesuvius.
I am on hour 3 of this task and decided for sanity sake I would take a break and share my sad story. If it wasn't so terribly embarrasing I would post the before and after photo....well maybe I will anyway. A little additional humility could make me less likely to do this in the future (hmm good in theory, we shall see). Ugh....back to the trenches.....
I don't have a good reason as to why I let this happen, I don't like it and it frustrates me every time. I know that it only takes just a few extra minutes to put the laundry away or sort and recycle the mail (my other constant source of clutter). Yet for some reason, I choose to skip that step just enough times that it becomes a task that appears insurmountable, and then I am just too vexed to take on the task at hand. Eventually either shame or a really good reason to clean my room thoroughly gives me the extra incentive I need to take care of this hideous beast. It takes me far longer than it EVER would have if I just took it as it comes and I still inevitably end up with the "what do I do with this crap" pile. I know you say toss that pile of crap out...but it isn't unneeded crap, or even garbage, it is simply those things which you need and use infrequently but that have no appropriate place. Almost without fail, that pile becomes the starting place for the next round of Mount Vesuvius.
I am on hour 3 of this task and decided for sanity sake I would take a break and share my sad story. If it wasn't so terribly embarrasing I would post the before and after photo....well maybe I will anyway. A little additional humility could make me less likely to do this in the future (hmm good in theory, we shall see). Ugh....back to the trenches.....
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